i want sts9 to adopt me

i mean.. i can be like a little african child and want the handsome white musician men to come and take me away from the flies in my apartment.

I am not and will never be connected to STS9 eventhough they are the coolest band ever and Im only saying that because everyone loves their music.

i went to the Pepper concert last night.  max bought my ticket for me.  he said since i highlighted his hari he would take me.

sweet.

it was fun.  i shuved my way up to the front like i always do and i had a good time until it got too rowdy and the mosh pits kept popping up and i got knocked in the head by somebodies elbow i got knocked around pretty good.. and my clothes kept coming off.. so i had to go to the back. where Max was flirtin with some chica and i didnt want to mess up anything he had goin with her because it lookd like they had it for eachother.

O well. 

Jeannette comes home today.. i hope she doesnt mind that spent the whole weekend here.

It was sort of dangerous that i left the front door unlocked the whole time.

I should start cleaning .. otherwise i wont be done by the time she gets home.

okay.. so its about 4 grand for school this year.. 

plus rent and bills

rent 250

plus 100 utlities.

plus 50 cell phone

200 a month for gas

200 food

150 a month misc

   950 x 12 = 11,400

11,400 + 4,000 = 15,400

so theoretically i could get a 15,400 loan to start paying off after i finish school.

so is it possible for me to get a loan that i dont have to pay off until i finish school.. so i can go to school full time and not have to work.?

seems easy enough

so what am i supposed to do now?

I am 22 years old. I have just been suspended from my job for a week because I was written up 4 times in the last month for minor fuck ups.
I have no money saved. I may have to borrow money to pay the rent this month and bills.
I'm not really sure what I have become. I feel like I am a fuck up.
I am a deadbeat.

I dont feel as though that's who i really am.
But why have a turned into this person who is messy, acts irrationally, has no motivation.
Is it really the pot?
Im not really sure what I am supposed to do.
Where do i go from here.

GET A COLLEGE DEGREE

Okay.. so right now i need to pay my rent and bills. I am going to have to keep my job or find another one that's just as good.
I should apply at Manuel's downtown.
Tomorow at 2 i will go in and fill out an application.

The problem is that Im not sure if i want to bartend anymore.
I dont really want to work in the service industry but i beleive that's the only place i can make the money i need to make to pay my rent right now.

It's fucked up.. Im not sure if it's just a coincidence or if I'm just looking too far into this or not.. but for some reason my job is always affected after I get emotionally upset by a romance.

It's fucked up. I need to get that under control. My life gets all fucked up because i start slacking at my job because i get a one track mind and forget important things.

Does this mean I cannot ever be in a romance without it affecting my job?
The only time it doesnt and hasnt effected my job was when I didnt truly like the person i was seeing. Well i enjoyed them as people but i wasnt head over heals crushing on them.

But I must be more responsible. i cannot mess up anymore because i need to find stability.

Okay so what if i go take out a loan so that i can just finish school.

My dream right now would be to go to school and not have to work. Just focus on school and nothing else.

I would have to make an exspense chart to see if it's even possible to get a loan that large then i would probably need help getting the loan.
I would first have to decide where the best place to go to school would be.

I am pretty sure i should make sure i can pay off the loan when i get out of school.

----
but until January until my leasee is up here i cant really think about that.. or maybe i can.
---

i still have to pay for December and January rent.. so that's 1400 dollars.
plus bills.
School would be about 3,00o a semester.
i would need money to survive every month for food and misc.

I wonder if i can get a loan at any time? I wonder how long it takes to apply for one especially if i dont have any other source of income.

Or perhaps i could get some kind of ceritfication from the community college first. then i can use that job to help pay for the rest of college.
---
so that would mean that i would really only need to get a loan that would get me through the certification.
------

SO what certification?
How much of a loan will i need?
What loan?

--
once i get a B.A degree then i will have more oppurtunities for jobs.
Including working in a nonprofit overseas such as Americorps and/or teaching English overseas.

---
What certification?
radiology technologist-
1-4 years.

Associate of Applied Science

Radiology

This program provides radiologic technology and clinical experience with general education courses in the arts and sciences and is designed to prepare persons for the safe use of X-ray equipment in clinical settings under the supervision of a radiologist or other physician.

Students are eligible to take the national credentialing examination administered by the American Registry of Radiologic Technologists upon successful completion of the prescribed curriculum. The Texas Department of Health, Medical Radiologic Technologist Certification Program also requires that graduates of the Radiography Program apply for State Certification/Licensure.

It should be noted that both of these agencies require that the applicant disclose any history of felonies or misdemeanors. Applicants with a history of a felony or misdemeanor should contact the program department chair for additional information and may also submit a Pre-Application Review of Eligibility Form to the American Registry of Radiologic Technologists to determine their eligibility to take the credentialing examination.

The program is nationally accredited by the Joint Review Committee on Education in Radiologic Technology, 20 North Wacker Drive, Suite 2850. Chicago, IL 60606-3182,; phone 312.704.5300

• ADMISSION TO THE COLLEGE DOES NOT GUARANTEE ADMISSION TO THE RADIOLOGIC TECHNOLOGY PROGRAM AND ENROLLMENT IS LIMITED.
• Students accepted into the program are required to have a physical examination, provide documentation of immunization, and must verify annual tuberculosis status.
• A Criminal Background Check will be required of students as mandated by law or as a condition of program approval/accreditation.

The following Certificate Program is intermittently based on faculty availability and student enrollment.

Certificate

Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI)

This certificate program provides advanced classroom and clinical instruction in Magnetic Resonance Imaging. Admission is limited to American Registry of Radiologic Technologists certified applicants. Completion of the prescribed curriculum will help prepare the student for the Advanced Certification Examination in Magnetic Resonance Imaging administered by the American Registry of Radiologic Technologists. Admission to the college does not guarantee admission to the program and enrollment is limited.

A Criminal Background Check will be required of students as mandated by law or as a condition of program approval/accreditation.

Austin Community College

FY 2009 Degree Plan

Diagnostic Medical Imaging - Radiology

RADIOLOGY
Associate of Applied Science Degree

This program provides radiologic technology and clinical experience with general education courses in the arts and sciences and is designed to prepare persons for the safe use of x-ray equipment in clinical settings under the supervision of a radiologist or other physician. Students are eligible to take the national credentialing examination administered by the American Registry of Radiologic Technologists upon successful completion of the prescribed curriculum. The Texas Department of Health, Medical Radiologic Technologist Certification Program also requires that graduates of the Radiography Program apply for State Certification/Licensure. It should be noted that both of these agencies require that the applicant disclose any history of felonies or misdemeanors. Applicants with a history of a felony or misdemeanor should contact the program department chair for additional information and may also submit a Pre-Application Review of Eligibility Form to the American Registry of Radiologic Technologists to determine their eligibility to take the credentialing examination.

The Program is nationally accredited by the Joint Review Committee on Education in Radiologic Technology, 20 North Wacker Drive, Suite 900. Chicago, IL 60606-2901; phone (312) 704-5300; Website: www.jrcert.org

ADMISSION TO THE COLLEGE DOES NOT GUARANTEE ADMISSION TO THE RADIOLOGIC TECHNOLOGY PROGRAM AND ENROLLMENT IS LIMITED.

Students accepted into the program are required to have a physical examination, provide documentation of immunization, and must verify annual tuberculosis status.

A Criminal Background Check will be required of students as mandated by law or as a condition of program approval/accreditation.

Program changes may not be reflected in the current ACC Catalog publication. Please access the most up to date information on the Program's Web Page through a link at www.austincc.edu/hltsci/ or by contacting the Health Sciences Admissions Office, Eastview Campus, Room 8356.

Prerequisites

+	MATH	1314		College Algebra	3
	BIOL	2404		Introduction to Anatomy and Physiology	4
					------- 7

Fall Semester

+	RADR	1317		Radiographic Anatomy and Physiology I	3
+	RADR	1309		Introduction to Radiography and Patient Care	3
+	RADR	1213		Principles of Radiographic Imaging I	2
+	RADR	1411		Basic Radiographic Procedures	4
					------- 12

Spring Semester

+	RADR	2431		Advanced Radiographic Procedures	4
+	RADR	2209		Radiographic Imaging Equipment	2
+	RADR	2205		Principles of Radiographic Imaging II	2
	RADR	1360		Clinical--Radiologic Technology/Science--Radiographer I	3
	ENGL	1301		English Composition I	3
					------- 14

Summer Semester

	RADR	2240		Sectional Anatomy for Medical Imaging	2
	RADR	2213		Radiation Biology and Protection	2
+	RADR	1361		Clinical--Radiologic Technology/Science--Radiographer II	3
	SPCH	1315		Public Speaking	3
					------- 10

Fall Semester

	RADR	2217		Radiographic Pathology	2
+	RADR	2274		Advanced Technical Principles	2
+	RADR	2460		Clinical-Radiologic Technology/Science--Radiographer III	4
	PHIL	2306		Ethics1	3
					------- 11

Spring Semester

	RADR	2233		Advanced Medical Imaging	2
+	RADR	2461		Clinical-Radiologic Technology/Science-Radiographer IV	4
	PSYC	2301		Introduction to Psychology	3
	COSC	1300		Introduction to Computing	3
					------- 12

Summer Semester

#	RADR	2335		Radiologic Technology Seminar	3
+	RADR	2362		Clinical -Radiologic Technology/Science--Radiographer V	3
					------- 6
				TOTALS	------- 72

¹ Or from approved Humanities/Fine Arts in the General Education Course List.

---

MAGNETIC RESONANCE IMAGING
Certificate

This certificate is offered intermittently based on faculty availability.

This certificate program provides advanced classroom and clinical instruction in Magnetic Resonance Imaging. Admission is limited to American Registry of Radiologic Technologists certified applicants. Completion of the prescribed curriculum will help prepare the student for the Advanced Certification Examination in Magnetic Resonance Imaging administered by the American Registry of Radiologic Technologists. Admission to the college does not guarantee admission to the program and enrollment is limited.

A Criminal Background Check will be required of students as mandated by law or as a condition of program approval/accreditation.

Program changes may not be reflected in the current ACC Catalog publication. Please access the most up to date information on the Program's Web Page through a link at www.austincc.edu/health or by contacting the Health Sciences Admissions Office, Eastview Campus, Room 8356.

Fall Semester

	RADR	2271		Sectional Anatomy and Patient Care	2
+	MRIT	2230		Principles of Magnetic Resonance Imaging	2
	MRIT	2460		Clinical -- Radiologic Technology/Science - Radiographer I	4
					------- 8

Spring Semester

	MRIT	2276		Magnetic Resonance Physics and Procedure	2
#	MRIT	2461		Clinical -- Radiologic Technology/Science -- Radiographer I	4
					------- 6
				TOTALS	------- 14

everyone is wondering when is it going to happen to them. WHen is it going to happen. is it going to happen.
blah blah. it gets so fucking old.
i seriously got upset when i saw a happy couple today they couldnt stop touching but in a caring nonsexual way. i was envious.

i have to stop toturing myself over this. It will happen. I have to know it will happen.
being able to be in love and be loved is like winning the best prize or game or getting the best present that never ends.

I wish i had some weed.. i wish i had some money to spend on it.

dont wait. dont wait for anything. get what you can. get what you truly want and know is good.. everything that is unattainable let go of. if it's not beneficial to me or my life.. let it go.

what they say

he's sketchy. HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND!
If he did it to her just think of what he would do to you.

all of theses things could be true. Am i just entertaining myself? Am i just lonely? Im not really that lonely. i mean my family isnt here but i feel like i have enoguh good friends.

os what. I hate to say it but it does make me a little sick to my stomach thinking of how much he really loves his girlfriend and how easily he cheated on her with me.
i mean .. a friend told me that of course anyone would stick it in me.
so what does that make it my fault? SHould i not've pursued him?
I couldnt help myself. Maybe he couldnt help himself either.
it was just a dramatic thing to happen. DUDE he came over to my apartment and cried and i was smiling the whole time. How can i even be friends with such a dramatic person that invites such chaos into his life and the people he supposedly cares about.
It's just weird.
What's weird is that i wanted to beleive that he could be something special to me.
I dont know why.

Maybe i just want someone to really care about.

I enjoy being in love because I get to be passionate.

It's as though i am pruposefully doing this shit to myself because deep down i dont really want to be serious with someone. Who knows.. i guess ill know when i know.

i am being ambiguous.

but i cant stop thinking about him. It's only because of the chemical reactions that happened in my brain. WHen i was on molly i felt like i was in love for the first time. I saw him and i couldnt take my eyes off of him. He was so beautiful. It was the molly and the dopamine and seratonin.
it was as though he was my prey. I had to have him.
I dont feel like that too often.
Or maybe i do.
I wonder where that comes from.
My mom? I cant blame her for everything.

Maybe we wont ever talk again.. .and i think that would be for the best. at least for me. I am searching for calmity and peace and happiness.. in my life and in the present and future.
he's too confused about everything for anything to be stable.
maybe thats what people think about me too. Thats why i cant really keep a romantic relationship going. It's because im not sure of myself and what i want. I have to be sure of what i want and what i know is good for me and that i need.. even if i feel like im unsure.. i cannot be unsure of those things.
i have to be sure.

I have to stop looking for movie love. I have to stop loking for love.

I have to stop wanting love. can i do that?

im being self destructive thinking of him, thinking of the past, thinking of romantic love.