what they say

he's sketchy. HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND!
If he did it to her just think of what he would do to you.

all of theses things could be true. Am i just entertaining myself? Am i just lonely? Im not really that lonely. i mean my family isnt here but i feel like i have enoguh good friends.

os what. I hate to say it but it does make me a little sick to my stomach thinking of how much he really loves his girlfriend and how easily he cheated on her with me.
i mean .. a friend told me that of course anyone would stick it in me.
so what does that make it my fault? SHould i not've pursued him?
I couldnt help myself. Maybe he couldnt help himself either.
it was just a dramatic thing to happen. DUDE he came over to my apartment and cried and i was smiling the whole time. How can i even be friends with such a dramatic person that invites such chaos into his life and the people he supposedly cares about.
It's just weird.
What's weird is that i wanted to beleive that he could be something special to me.
I dont know why.

Maybe i just want someone to really care about.

I enjoy being in love because I get to be passionate.

It's as though i am pruposefully doing this shit to myself because deep down i dont really want to be serious with someone. Who knows.. i guess ill know when i know.

i am being ambiguous.

but i cant stop thinking about him. It's only because of the chemical reactions that happened in my brain. WHen i was on molly i felt like i was in love for the first time. I saw him and i couldnt take my eyes off of him. He was so beautiful. It was the molly and the dopamine and seratonin.
it was as though he was my prey. I had to have him.
I dont feel like that too often.
Or maybe i do.
I wonder where that comes from.
My mom? I cant blame her for everything.

Maybe we wont ever talk again.. .and i think that would be for the best. at least for me. I am searching for calmity and peace and happiness.. in my life and in the present and future.
he's too confused about everything for anything to be stable.
maybe thats what people think about me too. Thats why i cant really keep a romantic relationship going. It's because im not sure of myself and what i want. I have to be sure of what i want and what i know is good for me and that i need.. even if i feel like im unsure.. i cannot be unsure of those things.
i have to be sure.

I have to stop looking for movie love. I have to stop loking for love.

I have to stop wanting love. can i do that?

im being self destructive thinking of him, thinking of the past, thinking of romantic love.